I had a massage. In Thailand. It was a coconut oil massage and not the traditional Thai-pull-your-arms-and-legs-off massage but it still counts.

kuuzira travels zen thai massage

Been there? You know, paid a stranger to press some form of oil into your skin for an hour whilst you lay practically nude on what is effectively a table with a hole in. Let’s examine the thought process in play form (sort of), shall we?

The scene;

{For the purpose of this exercise, the lovely Thai masseuse will be called Lady, and my (Vicki’s) thoughts are italicised for your convenience in reading. You’re welcome.}

Vicki is cycling around Chiang Mai, it’s 30+ degrees c and she has a crick in her neck from all of two work outs. Her skin has been feeling pretty dry as of late and her subconscious is being bombarded with ‘Massage’ signs in every other window of the downtown area. She spontaneously decides to stop at the next one and get some coconut oil slathered on her bod.

On finding one, she locks up the bike next to a wall water feature that she notices is really rather pretty with its pink flowers and green wall-climber and confirms with Lady that she would, in fact, like to pay 300Baht for said massage, please.

She then notices, once bound in the transaction, that the downstairs of this particular parlour is yet to be finished. Broken tiles and very much in-the-process painting. She continues however, albeit slightly apprehensively.

Act one, scene one;

The initial.

Lady directs Vicki to take off her shoes as she enters the building, and proceed to walk upstairs.

Vicki: Okay, walk upstairs. I am upstairs, where do I go? There’s another upstairs. Oh wait, there’s a room here but someone is in it being massaged. I can’t just go in. Where’s the woman? Is she my masseuse? I’m confused. 

Lady walks up the stairs and directs Vicki into the room she wondered on. She is her masseuse. They go in. There are a number of massage beds in this room, and one is occupied by a Thai lady of approximate middle-age being prodded by a young Thai male. They both stare over as Vicki and Lady enter the room.

Vicki: Oh this is awkward. Stop looking at me, carry on your massage, I’m not even here. Nods head in polite greeting and walks over to the far corner bed, as instructed. Lady tells Vicki to ‘undress’ and pulls a curtain around the bed, leaving for a short while.

Vicki: Erm, okay. Time to get naked. I’m leaving my pants on though. People don’t ever take them off, do they? Each to their own, mine are staying on. Oh god, there’s a gap in the curtain and I’m pretty sure that guy just saw my boobs. And now we’ve made eye contact. Shit. Look away, look away. Super weird. 

kuuzira travels zen thai massage

Act one, scene two;

The massage.

With Vicki’s head firmly in the hole, Lady climbs onto the bed and begins to press Vicki’s body working from the legs up, over the sheet.

Vicki: Okay, relax. Time for zen. Calm thoughts. This is nice, the pressure is good, not painful. Okay that’s my bum. I wonder how long she’s been a masseuse? Just go with it, she knows what she’s doing.

Lady pulls sheet down and starts with the oil.

Vicki: Oh yeah here comes the coconut oil. Time to become a goddess. This is super relaxing I should do this everyday. Well maybe if I had unlimited funds. It’s lunch time soon. Maybe I should go back to that vegan place down the road, again. That was so good. What was it called? Oh yeah, Bodhi Tree. Stop thinking about food, its massage time. Empty your mind woman. I can’t smell coconuts. Maybe it’s not coconut oil? But what other clear oils are there? I saw the bottle. It must be. Ha, that tickled. Okay watch it, I know you’re working on my back Lady but those fingers are very close to the side boob right now. Oh my god. What if she asks if I want a happy ending?! Apparently that is a thing here. Or is that just for men? Oh that would be beyond weird. I hope she doesn’t ask. Definitely would not. Okay focus. Relax. Stop watching your bag there’s no-one here who’s going to take it. That ‘Friends’ episode where Phoebe pretends to be Swedish is hilarious. Okay what body part is she using now? Forearm? Knee? Must be forearm. Maybe she’ll do a Ross and use wooden spoons. Stop thinking about ‘Friends’! Is that drilling? Damn it how can I relax with that? 

Lady asks Vicki to turn on to her back after about half an hour. Vicki does so, desperately trying not to show too much skin to anyone. In the meantime middle-aged lady’s massage has ceased, and she is now sat up, looking in their direction. She begins to speak to Lady.

Vicki: Conversation time? Now? Okay just block it out. At least they’re talking quietly. Where do I look? At the ceiling? No just close your eyes. Okay relaaaax. The legs feel good my quads are so tight from all that cycling and stairs and squats. Go me, workout queen. Is she trying to pull my toes off? But that does feel nice when they click. Ouch! What’s with the hitting? Oh yeah, Thai massage, I remember. She must enjoy this part. Ow. Oh now I can smell the coconut! Yes! I smell like a tropical island.

Lady then asks Vicki to sit up and carefully ties the sheet around her so she can be handsfree. Takes Vicki’s arms behind her and pulls, then starts to press hard on various parts of her body.

Vicki: Ow ow. I don’t go that far! Oh that’s good, right in the sore part of my neck. I feel like a rag doll. Ooh head massage. So. Good. Did I wash my hair? Yeah I did, phew. It must be nearly time now. I kind of don’t want it to end. Ow. I feel pretty chilled right now. She’s super nice, glad she said I look younger than I am. Thanks Lady, I moisturise. 

kuuzira travels zen thai massage

Act one, scene three;


Lady announces that the massage has now ended, and leaves the room for Vicki to re-dress. Vicki does so, feeling slightly wobbly but glad with the massage. Although her neck is still sore. She goes downstairs and is greeted with a cup of Thai tea, and sits outside wearing the plastic flip flops she is given.

Vicki: Okay that was super nice. Glad I did that. Oh there’s the drilling again. Just drink the tea and go. Oh no my bike is soaked! Stupid water feature. Oh whatever, I’m too zen.